Rabu, 15 September 2010

Bungklang Bungkling: Ganyang Malaysia oleh Wayan Juniartha.

Diambil dari kolom ‘Bungklang Bungkling’, ‘Ganyang Malaysia’, di harian Bali Post, Minggu, 12 September 2010, oleh I Wayan Juniartha Diterjemahkan oleh Putu Semiada.

Ganyang Malaysia
Diskusi di warung tuak berlangsung seru.
“Sungguh lembek presiden kita. Jika aku menjadi presiden, aku akan perintahkan angkatan bersenjata kita untuk mengganyang Malaysia,” kata I Made Patriot Kreyat Kreyot.
Mereka semua tertawa. I Made orangnya memang temperamen ditambah lagi dia memang mengidap hipertensi. Jadi dia memang suka berdebat. “Biar salah asal tidak kalah” begitu semboyan hidupnya. Mungkin Karena itu tidak ada orang yang memilih dia menjadi ketua sekaa tuak apalagi posisi yang lebih tinggi.
“Gampang sekali kamu bicara, . Kamu main ganyang saja. Ya kalau kita menang, kalau kalah, bagaimana? I Ketut Demokrat Makarat berkomentar.
Anak presiden saja I Bas-Bas, yang tidak tahu masalah militer, masih bisa berkomentar bahwa Indonesia tidak punya dana untuk berperang dan tentara masih belum siap tempur.
“Kamu memang asal ngomong saja…..orang seperti inilah yang membuat negara kita direndahkan oleh negara-negara lain. Dahulu para leluhur dan nenek moyang kita tidak punya uang, tidak tahu tehnik militer, tetapi berani berjuang membela negara.”
“Apalagi kita tidak mungkin kalah. Aku sudah punya strategi untuk mengalahkan Malaysia.”
Strategi 1: Penerjunan Pasukan Payung. Karena jalanan sering macet, kapal lautnya banyak yang tenggelam, jadi serangan pertama harus lewat udara.
“Yang diterjunkan memang anjing-anjing Bali yang sudah terkena rabies. Orang Bali yang sudah terbiasa bangun tidur dengan anjing saja tidak bisa menanggulangi rabies, apalagi orang-orang Malaysia yang jarang melihat anjing. Pasti orang-orang Malaysia akan semua terkena wabah.”
Strategi 2: Adu Domba. Kirim Manohara balik ke Malaysia. Tugasnya merayu pangeran-pangeran di semua kesultanan di Malaysia. Jika saja selera pangeran-pangeran Malaysia itu sama dengan Pangeran Kelantan (mantan suami Manohara) tentu mereka akan perang saudara diantara kesultanan-kesultanan tersebut. Bila perlu, kirim juga Ariel, siapa tahu ada pangeran yang suka dengan laki-laki.
Terkekeh-kekeh mereka mendengar strategi tersebut.
“Wah, jangan dianggap enteng strategi ini. Dari dahulu tidak terhitung perang yang terjadi karena urusan perempuan, mulai dari Perang Troya hingga Rama melawan Rahwana dalam cerita Mahaberatha.
Strategi 3: Teror Bomb. Kirim orang-orang Indonesia yang sudah terlatih menyakiti saudara sendiri dan melempari rumah, misalnya anggota FPI ke Malaysia. Bila perlu mereka menyamar sebagai penari pendet supaya bisa masuk ke sana. Mereka bisa berbekal tabung gas 3 kilogram. Tabung itu bisa dilemparkan ke arah rumah orang-orang Malaysia.
“Kita tidak perlu susah-susah merakit bom. Tabung gas 3 kilogram itu pasti bisa meledak, lagi pula harganya murah. Persedian tabungnya juga masih banyak di gudang pertamina.”
Strategi 4: Alas kobar. Bakar saja semua hutan yang ada di Sumatra dan Kalimantan. Pasti semua orang Malaysia akan terkena asma, ekonomi lumpuh karena kapal terbang, mobil dan kapal laut tidak berjalan.
Strategi 5: Aud kelor. Pindahkan saja ibu kota Indonesia ke Kuala Lumpur. Bawa semua (aud kelor) pejabat Indonesia ke sana. Tidak sampai tiga bulan orang-orang Malaysia akan frustasi karena memiliki presiden yang lembek, para mentri yang tidak tahu apa yang mesti dikerjakan, para angota dewan yang sibuk mengurus kantong sendiri, dan pejabat negara yang hobinya main golf dan korupsi.
Jika kelima strategi itu dijalankan dengan benar, pasti Malaysia akan menjadi negara yang berantakan, dimana-mana akan terjadi perang saudara, ketakutan karena sering terjadi ledakan bom, gelap gulita, tidak terlihat apa-apa, dan bangkrut serta frustasi.
“Dengan demikian Malaysia akan menyerah, meminta maaf dan mengajak berunding. Indonesia hanya cukup mengirim satu wakil saja ke perundingan: Ruhut Sitompul. Pasti delegasi Malaysia akan tidak bisa berkutik. Indonesia akan menang.
Mereka tepuk tangan.

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Ganyang Malaysia (Attack Malaysia!)
The discussion at the palm toddy warung is full of sharp opinions.
“Our president is too weak. If I were the president, I would ask my military forces to attack Malaysia (Ganyang Malaysia),” says I Made Patriot Kreyat Kreyot (I Made Pretending to be Heroic).
Everyone laughs. They know that I Madé is a bad temper person and has hypertension. He always argue. “No matter if our side is wrong, the important thing is that we don’t lose,” continues I Madé, telling about his motto. That’s probably why he is never elected head of palm toddy association, let alone higher position.
“Easy for you to talk. All you think is just to attack them. It’s okay if we win. What if we lose? What should we do?” comments I Ketut Demokrat Makarat (I Ketut Fanatic Member of Democrat Party).
In addition, even though the President’s son I Bas-Bas (The Silly Man) doesn’t seem to know anything about military strategy, but still he gives his comments that Indonesia has no money to buy sophisticated military equipments for war against Malaysia and nor the army forces are ready either.
“You are such a silly man. Don’t you know that kind of mentality makes our country underestimated by other countries? Look at what our people did in the past, with no enough financial, nor military knowledge, they fought till the death.”
“I’m really sure that we will win. I also have some ideas on how to overcome Malaysia.”
Strategy 1: Mobilize attacks via air strikes (parachutes). We can not mobilize them through land as we’ve got traffic jams everywhere, nor via sea as many of our ships sink. So attacking must be via air.
We can send them rabies-infected Balinese dogs. We Balinese ourselves can not cope with this disease, let alone our neighbouring country Malaysia. They are not used to seeing puppies. I’m sure they will be infected.
Strategy 2: Divide and Conquer. Send Manohara back to Malaysia. Her main job is to seduce all princes from different states. If they all have similar taste as the Kelantan prince (Manohara’s ex husband), I’m sure they will fight one another. We can even send Ariel, just in case, there are gays among them.
Everyone laughs.
“Well, don’t you ever underestimate my ‘strategies’! Don’t you know, countless wars have been caused by women; from Troya war to Rama against Rahwana in the Ramayana story.”
Strategy 3. Terror with bomb. We can send our mass organizations, such as FPI who are used to do violence against their own people, to Malaysia. They can go there undercover as pendet dancers. Each of them can bring a 3kg gas tube. When they arrive there they can throw the gas tube to the houses there.
“Don’t bother to make bombs. The gas tubes can explode easily and they are inexpensive too. And we have more than enough stock available at Pertamina warehouse.”
Strategy 4. Burn the forest (Alas kobar). Burn all the forest in Sumatra and Kalimantan. I am sure the Malaysians will get cough because of the smoke from the forest fire, economy will be in chaos as no flights available, no boat or car work.
Strategy 5. Finish up (Aud kelor). Move our capital Jakarta to Kuala Lumpur. Send all of our high ranking officials there. Less than three months the Malaysians will be frustrated because of the following situation: a weak president, ministers with no commitment to work hard, corrupt legislative members, and high ranking officials whose hobby is playing golf and tend to corrupt.
I’m sure if these five strategies are implemented properly, Malaysia will become a chaos country, their people will fight among them, bombs explode everywhere. The country will be dark with no light, go bankrupt and be frustrated.
“And they will surrender, ask us for forgiveness and incline to negotiate with Indonesia. And we just need to send one representative to the conference, Mr. Ruhut Sitompul. He will make Malaysian delegation be speechless. At the end, we will win.”
Everyone claps.